With the change in season, kids back at school and holidays coming to a close, September can be a time for reflection and review. Seed’s Life Coach, Sam Aspinall, offers her expert insights to help you discover the right path forward.
It can be so hard to keep up with everything that has to be done; to do what everyone else needs, wants or expects of us day by day, month by month. We may feel that we’re running at speed without moving forward; that we’re being swept along by life, by a specific situation or by other people; or that we don’t have a clear sense of who we are and what we want anymore.
Often, we notice feelings like these when we have a chance to stop and reflect, perhaps on holiday, during a quiet period at work or once children have gone back to school or college. When things get going again, and the diary fills up, we may push these feelings aside and keep on ‘keeping on!’
So what? Life is good, isn’t it? There’s no need to stir everything up. Is there?
We are more aware than ever about the importance of making time for ourselves, the need for rest and relaxation, the benefits of quiet reflection and practices such as meditation and yoga. Yet I often work with people who feel guilty about the idea of putting themselves and their needs first, who make time for others but struggle to make time for themselves, or who feel an unsettling sense of emptiness and un-knowing when they do get to spend time with themselves.
So, if we feel we have lost our way, what can we do to get our sense of self back? How can we move forward from today with power and purpose?
Firstly, it’s good to recognise that there is no quick fix. As with any relationship that has been neglected, the relationship we have with ourselves needs gentle nurturing, over time, with patience and compassion. Looking after this singular relationship can feel strange and unfamiliar at first. But knowing that it is the most important relationship we have, can help us to persevere.
Secondly, we need to start a conversation with ourselves. We need to learn to ask ourselves ‘what’s up?’ ‘what’s on your mind?’ In just the same way we would with a colleague or a friend. Then – and for many of us this is the hardest part – we need to listen to the answers with compassion, without judgement; with patience and with curiosity. It can be helpful to have structure and guidelines for these early conversations to ensure that we are really asking and really listening. Some people find it helpful to externalise their thoughts by writing a diary or talking with a close friend. Some find that working with a coach helps to guide this reconnection and rebuilding of our sense of self.
Coaching creates space and time for you to to be with yourself, without judgement, and guides you in restarting that conversation with yourself. The simplest questions from a coach, in a warm, safe space, can be enormously powerful. A coach will help you see who you are, who you want to be and what may be holding you back. They will push gently when needed, helping you to articulate your wants and needs, and be a support in helping you find your way again.
If you want to make a start, here is a pen and paper exercise to play with. Make a little time and space in your day or week and ask yourself:
What matters to me?
What do I value?
What do I want to be, do or have?
If your initial reactions are “I don’t know anymore,” that’s ok. Try thinking back to times in your life when you have felt happy, connected to others or clear about your purpose. What is it about those times that resonated with you? What about when you have been at your best?
For each answer you give, try to ask yourself ‘why’. Why do these things matter to me? Why is that important to me? Why do I want these things? Listen hard, and without judgement, to the answers. Pushing yourself to articulate your deepest wants and needs helps to connect your thoughts with your strongest emotions, out of which comes the will, motivation and determination you’ll need to make changes in your life.
Thirdly, there are of course no right or wrong answers, and your answers may change over time or after some reflection. And while restarting a conversation with ourselves may feel heavy and demanding, it can also be joyful, like rediscovering a childhood friend. Remember the maxim: ‘take the work seriously, but not yourself’, and have a little fun with it!
Once you are on your way again, it’ll be time to learn how to maintain the conversation, how to ensure you value your own wants and needs, and of course, how to go about creating what you want in life. Enjoy.
Sam is a qualified Transformative Coach working with people who want to change how they experience their life. Her style is warm and empathic, pragmatic and challenging. Sam works one-to-one from her home in Flackwell Heath, where she also runs regular workshops on topics such as ‘What Matters Most’ and “Turning Bad Stress Into Good’. For more information please click here or contact Sam directly at sam@seedwellness.co.uk.
