When we think about longevity, most people picture green juices, gym memberships, good sleep and perhaps a healthy bank balance.
While these certainly matter, both research and my own experience as a relationship counsellor suggest that the most powerful predictor of a long, healthy and happy life is perhaps something quite surprising – the quality of our relationships.
A study conducted by Harvard University on Adult Development, followed participants for over 75 years, tracking their physical health, emotional wellbeing and life satisfaction. Its conclusion was that good quality relationships, more than wealth, fame or even genes, is the strongest predictor of happiness and longevity.In another study looking at populations round the world where people routinely live to 100, researchers found that although diet and exercise play important roles, it was the deep integration into family and community, the meaningful relationships that brought purpose and belonging, that truly stood out.
These findings resonate deeply with what I see in my work every day. People with strong, supportive connections tend to cope better with stress and anxiety, recover more quickly from illness and feel more able to deal with life’s challenges. Conversely, we are increasingly learning that chronic loneliness increases the risk of depression, anxiety, heart disease and even early death. Despite, or perhaps because of, living in a digitally connected world, loneliness has quietly become a serious problem across the Western world.
The renowned relationship psychotherapist Esther Perel adds an important layer to this conversation. She tells us that it’s not just about having relationships, it’s about the quality of them. Healthy relationships balance emotional safety with opportunities for growth – we need to feel secure and supported, while also feeling curious, respected and valued.
Conflict isn’t the problem in itself, but when it leads to disconnection it is damaging for our health. We have, however, become trained to look for quick fixes – apps, hacks and instant results, yet relationships are inherently messy, imperfect and complicated. They require time, effort, commitment and a willingness to stay engaged even when things feel uncomfortable.
So how do we create and maintain good quality relationships?
- Prioritise them: Relationships don’t thrive on good intentions alone; they need time and attention.
- Be present: Aim to listen and understand without fixing, judging or defending.
- Learn how to repair: Apologies, empathy and accountability matter far more than being right.
- Be curious: People grow and change; healthy relationships allow room for that evolution.
- Build community: Friendships, neighbours, family and shared activities all contribute to our sense of belonging.
Diet, exercise, sleep and financial security are important pillars of wellbeing. But decades of research, and lived experience, tell us that a good life is built on good relationships. Longevity isn’t just about adding years to life, its about adding life to years — and relationships are where that life truly happens.
Caroline Chambers is a relationships & family Counsellor located in Beaconsfield, bucks. Caroline works both in person and online. For more info visit www.seedwellness.co.uk/carolinechambers
