In the journey of life, there are moments when grief envelops us, not just as a response to loss but as an invitation to rediscover ourselves. David Kessler’s words, “Don’t make the grief smaller, make yourself bigger,” resonate deeply with those who find themselves at a crossroads, where the path forward requires immense courage and transformation.
Let me share the story of a remarkable woman I have the privilege to work with.
She is navigating the turbulent waters of divorcing a narcissist. Her grief is multifaceted; it is not merely the end of a marriage but the unravelling of an identity she had crafted over years. She mourns not just the loss of her partner but also the person she became in her quest to be loved—a self that sacrificed endlessly to make the relationship work, yet found it was never enough. This grief is compounded by the dissolution of family dreams, reopening old wounds of trauma that now bleed into her present reality.
In this profound sorrow, she faces an undeniable truth: she can no longer hide from herself. As a mature woman, she must confront these layers of loss in a new and daunting way. The familiar roles she once inhabited—wife, partner, potential mother—are slipping away amidst the relentless tide of menopause, another chapter of loss that demands its own mourning. She grieves for the life she envisioned and for opportunities that time has stolen away.
Yet within this storm of sorrow lies a seed of transformation. To “make herself bigger” means embracing this grief as a catalyst for growth. It requires her to peel back the layers of her past and heal wounds that have long been buried. She must learn to love herself anew, to say goodbye not only to what was but also to what might have been. This journey is not about erasing pain but about expanding her capacity to hold it alongside hope and resilience.
A crucial part of this transformation involves learning how to be confident again and putting herself out into a world she previously saw only through the lens of her old life. This new world is both terrifying and exhilarating; it demands that she feel the edge and embrace the fear without allowing it to trap her in victimhood. The part of her that was defined by fear and limitation must die for a new, unknown part to be born—a part that is courageous and open to possibility.
In this sacred process, she discovers strength in vulnerability and beauty in being true to herself. She begins to redefine her identity—not as a collection of roles or expectations but as a rich blend of experiences, lessons learned, and newfound self-love. Her journey is one of rebirth; though painful and uncertain, it is also profoundly liberating.
As she steps into this uncharted territory, she carries with her the lessons of grief and transformation. Her story becomes a testament to the power of embracing one’s full self—the light and the shadow—and finding grace in the act of becoming bigger than the grief that once threatened to consume her.
This narrative is not just hers; it echoes within all who have faced profound loss and emerged with a deeper understanding of themselves. It reminds us that even in our darkest moments, we possess an innate ability to grow beyond our pain and create a life filled with meaning and purpose.
Sandra Hughes is a Psychotherapist located in Marlow, Berkshire. Sandra works both in-person & online. For more info visit www.seedwellness.co.uk/sandrahughes
